Thursday, 18 February 2016

Smug Bastard Salad (I'm still hungry)

Look, we all know the blog has been hideously neglected but let's not make things awkward. A promise between friends (or strangers on the internet) means never having to give a reason or excuse for why you broke it, unless of course you are a prospective future Editor, in which case - my pet fish died, Nemo, it was so sad, he had a gammy fin and escaped the clutches of an evil girl to get back to the Ocean in an earlier life, plucky little fella. 

Yes, I am flaky, yes, but, well, life. Oh shut up.

In other news, I am eating sugar and drinking alcohol and I am happy, so bollocks to it. However, I am still trying to eat generally healthy food and after a friend asked me to send him the recipe for the quite frankly brilliant soup I made last night, I decided that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to pipe up here every now and then. And so, well, lunch happened and I learned a lot as I made and then ate it and now it's all yours to learn, try and then regret. You're welcome:

Smug Bastard Salad (I'm still hungry) 

Yellow pepper
Red onion
Baby leaf spinach

Olive oil
Cider vinegar
English mustard
Salt and pepper

Cook the Quinoa according to the instructions because, let's be honest, if you can read this, you can read those. And also, they vary wildly and I don't want to be responsible for you messing this up. 

As it is cooking, take a large mixing bowl and a table spoon. Pour olive oil over the spoon twice, sloshing it over the edges as you go, in a vain attempt to measure it. Look in the bowl, decide to add more, do it freehand because you're a rebel. 

Carefully measure one tablespoon of cider vinegar and throw it in, doubt whether it's enough but don't add more, just regret it later. Add half a tablespoon of mustard, a pinch of salt and pepper and feel like a French connoisseur as you stir them together. 

Chop one celery stick, half a yellow pepper and a quarter a red onion, which you will both regret and be grateful for later. Stir it all in. Add half a tin of tuna whilst having your legs wrapped into a knot by two cats circling you like lions (optional), stir. Then add the quinoa, I mean as much as you think is necessary. I can't help you here, no one knows the answer. Stir again. Then add some baby spinach leaves and stir again. 

Heap onto a plate, think you couldn't possibly eat all that, put some back into the mixing bowl and feel smug. 

Take one mouthful, allow your eyes and nose to run from the overpowering taste of onion. Realise you can't taste the dressing at all so be grateful for the overpowering taste of onion. 

Eat it. Realise that it is salad and yes you can eat all of it, you smug bastard. Scrape the bowl clean whilst ruminating how for a second effort at a salad dressing, you really should have done better. Let it go, because life is hard enough and there are probably better things to admonish yourself for than the fact you're still not French. 

Sit for one minute before realising that you're still hungry, because, salad. 

Eat an Easter Egg. Regret nothing. 

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