Trying too hard

I want to talk about trying too hard, whatever that means to you. You might be a new mother trying hard to be all things; mother, wife, friend, daughter. You might be a working mother trying too hard to please your boss and your children. You might be the new girl or boy at work trying too hard to fit in. You might be the person on Twitter who doesn't find Twitter comes naturally but desperately tries to be part of it. You might be trying too hard to force an idea to come before it's ready. You might even be trying too hard to make a person like you, either as a friend or otherwise. Or trying too hard to work out what your horoscopes mean when they say "an old fling might turn up." FYI - they mean STOP READING THEM.

You might be none of those things. 

But whatever it is that you are trying too hard to do. Stop it. Just stop. 

The definition of the very word itself comes loaded with a negative. Of course to try and achieve something is a good thing, right? Well lets look at it another way: to be tried either legally or in the sense of finding an effort trying, is to be put upon. So therefore when we try to do something are we putting upon ourselves an expectation or perimeter or weight? Because it seems to me that whenever I try to do anything I fail. But when I simply do something I always, always succeed.

If I write some words of the novel I am trying to draw out of myself, I have written some words. Words that will change a million times over but words that create the base for a story that will be drawn from them. But if I try and write a novel then the weight of the entire undertaking is too heavy to carry and I end up useless at my laptop. If I tweet what I want to tweet and not try to tweet things that other people might find entertaining then I have entertained myself and expressed myself. If I like myself instead of trying to make others like me then I have made a very important friend for life rather than a friend who had to be convinced I was likeable. And if I assert my ideas at work rather than try to guess what my client wants me to produce, I will be far more likely to have success. 

Recently I quit sugar, genuinely. I know! I did what the blog title said I was doing. What was the difference this time as to the last time? I simply did it. I didn't try to do it. I just did it. And the difference between the words "try to do it" and "do it" is success. It was helped, I will grant you, by the fact that I had secured a commission on the basis that I would quit sugar for a month. So I have quit sugar for a month. Except, I am currently in week six and still no sugar.  

Earlier this year I quit alcohol. Again, I didn't try to, I did it. I decided that I wanted to and I told everyone that I had quit. Not that I was trying to quit. By being firm with this description, everyone, including myself, took me seriously. No one tried to coerce me to drink. But whenever I have "tried to do dry January" I have failed by week two. I didn't say I was quitting forever but that I was quitting for now and that I wanted to get a better relationship with alcohol. So too sugar. I have also been careful to do one thing at a time. I would like to do lots of things but one thing at a time. Do one thing properly before tackling another. 

But lately I have noticed the try word creep into my vocabulary. It started when I noticed that someone I really admire on Twitter, someone I met at a blogging course, didn't reply to two of my tweets and then unfollowed me. I was so hurt. This woman writes about feeling unworthy and "lesser" than and with the unfollow button she made me feel less than. What had I done wrong? Had I offended her? Was I simply awful? Do I present myself badly online? And so I stopped tweeting. I stopped looking at Twitter. And every time I dipped my toe back in I felt inadequate and useless. If I tweeted someone I felt stupid for trying too hard immediately afterwards. Why? Because I was trying to work out why this woman didn't like me. A woman I don't know, who doesn't know me, who could have a multitude of reasons for unfollowing me that I will never know. A multitude of reasons that have nothing to do with me. Because whatever she has decided about me is not a reality. She doesn't and cannot know me. 

But I had desperately wanted to be her friend. She lives near me and we work in the same industry. I tried to be her friend. And by trying I failed. Because you can't try to be someones friend. You can be someones friend but it doesn't happen by force of will. It comes by genuine interchange and connection. And I was jumping forward. I might not even bloody like this woman in real life. But I allowed that little, insignificant rejection to affect me for weeks. 

The same way that every time I write something for the novel that doesn't work because I am trying to write something bigger than just the start, I fail. The same way that the mother who tries too hard to please her child forgets to please herself and fails them both. The same way the woman returning from maternity leave tries to pretend having a child waiting at home hasn't changed her perspective. The same way the athlete who went to the Olympics to try to win a gold finds the word that allows a get out clause is the comfort they use later, "I tried my best". Why try to do your best. Do your best, if your best is silver, or just outside the medals then take your best and be proud of it. 

Lets just stop trying to be or do or say things and actually be and do and say. We're all so much better when we stop trying. 

Self-love

Relax...

Focus on the breath, breath in through the nose and out through the mouth...

Let your thoughts just go, acknowledge them and then let them go on their way.

Breathe.

As an asthmatic I find the art of meditation extremely traumatic. I don't want to focus on the breath because focusing on the breath reminds me that I can't bloody breathe properly and now I'm having a panic attack. So thanks. Thanks for that. So look, don't be scared come back, I am not talking the kind of hippy self-love here but the really simple kind, the kind we eat.

I have not had a drink in two months, I decided to quit when I first went back on Citalopram whilst the side effects settled, which for me include dizziness, but then I found that I just didn't want to drink, so I haven't. And this has been the beginning of a realisation about my diet and my body image. 

This morning I read this brilliant piece by Amy Jones about how she is caught between body image and a healthy lifestyle and it resonated with me, as I am sure it will resonate with a lot of people. I too have hated my body but not for the reasons I thought I did.

When I went through my big breakdown five years ago I stopped eating properly mainly due to a fear of the supermarket but that then turned into something more destructive. The lower I felt the more crap I ingested, be it food or alcohol. The more I hated what I saw in the mirror the more I ate the food responsible for the figure staring back at me. 

Now I have to stress here that the weight I gained has bought me up to a size that most women would be happy with, a size that I wouldn't blink at on anyone else. In fact, I would think they were mad for thinking they needed to lose weight. Which meant on top of not liking what I see in the mirror I felt guilty for not liking it. I have never, ever looked at anyone in a swimming costume and thought they looked bad, but I have looked at myself and criticised every single part of my body. Why do we hold ourselves to standards we wouldn't dream of holding anyone else to? 

As I found myself replacing alcohol with sparkling water and forcing myself to make three meals a day my body began to change and with it so did my attitude. In the past when I have quit alcohol it has been because I felt I should, or because I wanted to lose weight quick, it was never because I truly just didn't want to drink. So what has changed? What has made me not want to drink? It was a recognition that just happened one day that I was drinking destructively. Not in the, “quick call the AA way”, I am not an alcoholic, but in the "I feel shit, I'll have a drink" way, in the "I know I don't need this next drink but I don't care enough about myself to want to stop" way, in the "I feel fat so I am going to eat an entire big bar of dairy milk" way. I was eating and drinking with self-hate.

Every time I have tried to force abstinence on myself for 'external' reasons I have replaced alcohol with sugar or sugar with alcohol. But this time I just started thinking about why I was eating or drinking things. The new rule is that if I feel miserable I can't eat chocolate or sweets, except during my period, I'm not a monster. What I have discovered is that I don't crave sugar half as much when I am happy as I do when I am sad but when I do crave it when I am happy, I enjoy it more, I appreciate it and I can have one bar of chocolate and move on. Whereas when I am sad, one becomes two, becomes four, becomes who cares? 

I have lost a bit of weight over the past two months but for the first time ever it isn't the motivating factor and it isn't the end goal. The end goal is to look in the mirror and see a person who cares about herself staring back, in whatever shape that naturally makes her. I can eat anything and when I want to drink again I will drink again, but I will only do it for pleasure, not to block out pain. I am beginning to like myself more simply because I am treating myself as someone who likes herself more. I have cellulite, my thighs still rub, there's still more weight on me than there was before my breakdown but I am learning to love whatever shape I am supposed to be naturally by being it through a healthy diet and not an unhealthy one. And by healthy diet I don't mean in the traditional sense of eat only 'good' things (whatever that means) but in the sense that I am learning to be healthy in my approach to why I eat.

So eat everything you like but acknowledge what actually makes you feel good. If I binge on sugar my mood crashes with it, if I know that, why do I do it, because I don’t care about myself. So when I do care and think about why I eat something I am still allowed sugar but not in the "fuck you World I'm going to eat all the candy and be miserable" way but in the "fucking hell chocolate, you are awesome, that was pleasant, it was good to taste you again, looking forward to our next date" way. 

Look, the point of this post is not to say, aren’t I fantastic having not drank in two months and being all holier-than-love-myself-thou but just to acknowledge that maybe the reason we don’t like what we see in the mirror, and this is definitely true of me, is because we know we are looking at someone who isn’t looking after themselves. Not because they should look a certain way for it to mean they are but that maybe we can embrace whatever shape and size we naturally come in, and we all do come in different shapes and sizes, when we know that shape is got through self-love and not self-hate. If you are eating all the ice cream in the World with all the joy in the World then carry on. But if you are eating all the ice cream even though you’ve stopped enjoying it but because you don’t care how crap you feel afterwards, then maybe it’s time to stop and think about it.

We are all beautiful, all of us and if we could see ourselves the way those around us do then we might not be so critical of that reflection. Body image is about a lot more than just diet but diet can be a quick indicator of how we’re feeling. Your body shape doesn’t have to change for you to start to love it, only treating yourself as you would treat anyone else has to change. That might have nothing to do with food or alcohol, but could be in the way you criticise yourself for insert today’s issue here. It’s important to remember that you are you, in your body, that is only yours and made for you and if you can find the thing that unlocks in you how to be happy in it, then please let the rest of us know, in case it can help us too.

Punishment vs Reward (and broken toes)

My reward for feeding the cat roast chicken  

Day one of the no Sugar started well but ended in another broken toe. Apparently furniture is dangerous and you should all be well warned that if you have furniture in your houses then your toes are at grave risk of injury.



What made this all the more painful, was that I was in the middle of cooking a chicken, leek and mushroom pie with a sweet potato topping when it happened. I was so proud of myself and happy and listening to music and drafting a blog post in my head as I went. In fact, it was returning from taking a photo of some roasted sweet potato skins (left over from the mash topping) somewhere other than the kitchen, which looked like a bomb had gone off, that my toe and the incriminating furniture were to end in battle. I don't want to compare what my toe went through to say...the 100 year war, but the piece of furniture in question is a French inspired piece...



Anyway, broken toes aside, the pie was finished and eaten and although it wasn't enjoyed last night (pain does interfere with appetite), it was thoroughly enjoyed today. 



But none of this is the reason I write here. I wanted to write here because a few of the comments I've had since sharing the blog made me want to explain the concept of what I am doing a bit more. Firstly, I must stress, all the comments I have had have been positive and supportive but just the tone of a few struck a chord.




I think the word 'Quit' can be quite loaded. Same as 'Give up'. They feel negative, almost like punishments. The point of this year is in fact the opposite. I'm not punishing myself, that is what I have been doing. This is about rewarding myself.



My depression takes form mostly through self-criticism. I am extremely hard on myself. Recently, the focus of that criticism has been my body and my face and changes to the shape of both. I had therapy for two years and whilst the sessions have ended, the need for therapy never really goes away. What a good therapist will leave a patient with is the tools to continue the work alone, until such a time comes where a therapist is required again. So even when I am being self-critical, at the back of my mind I am asking the sort of questions my therapist would ask of these negative thoughts. Trying to work through the obvious to the vague. 



It is very easy to be critical of weight gain on yourself. It seems so reckless, lazy and shameful. But often our diet and our weight reflect what is happening in our minds. Certainly my diet does. The worse I have felt, the unhealthier I have been. The unhealthier I have been, the worse I have felt and on and on and on it goes in a circle.



I have "rewarded" my bad day, my sad day, my self-hate with chocolate, wine, beer, pasta with nothing but cheese, cake, sweets, crisps. In fact, on some of my worst days I've gone and bought so much chocolate and sweets, unable to choose, I've then eaten my way through as much of them as I can in order to "treat" myself. I've made myself feel sick and rarely even enjoyed them past the first bar of chocolate, felt sluggish on the inside, got spots. It's been a long while since I had one of those days, but it's been all too recent since I "treated" myself to wine because I had a bad day, then the next day, then the next. Maybe just one glass, maybe two, sometimes recklessly. It's never made me feel better. I've enjoyed it for a glass but it stops being a treat when you do it every night, when you don't really even look forward to it. It's automatic: stressed, sad, tired? Have a glass of wine, have a bar of chocolate, open the biscuit tin at work. 



I want to get back to enjoying everything, and that includes all the things I am "quitting" over the next year. I don't believe in strict regimes, I don't believe in routine, in fact. I believe life is for living and enjoying and I want to enjoy all of it. I am enjoying very little of it at the moment, in the true sense of the word. Yes, chocolate tastes incredible, but like a lot of our culture it is so readily, easily available, do we even enjoy it? 



Perhaps I am old fashioned but I love getting a book as a present, a book where someone has thought about what I might enjoy. Or hearing a new piece of music someone has recommended because it made them think to send it to me. I can buy myself a book but I always love being given one. The same with socks, I'm obsessed with socks, I could buy a new pair every day of the week, but I love to wait for Christmas or my birthday and get socks as a present. To have a pair of socks that someone else has picked for me. There is real joy in waiting for something you love and being gifted it. 



Which is why, at the weekend when I was invited to a friends for afternoon tea and presented with a glass of Champagne, despite the fact I am not drinking at the moment, I accepted it gladly and I enjoyed the glass. I refused a top up and just savoured the one glass I had. Same too the cakes and sandwiches on offer. It was a real treat to have afternoon tea.



And that is the point of this year. To treat my body to some love and attention, to enjoy food for the right reasons and not use it as  a plaster or a mask for something else. To stop punishing myself by feeding the self-hate and not looking after my own health. If I take no care in what goes in my body, what am I telling my mental health? Once I have been on this journey, I hope to find at the end of it, the balance to living a healthy lifestyle where nothing is banished but everything is enjoyed in moderation, as part of a larger picture and to state the word again, enjoyed, savoured, appreciated. 



So please, do treat yourself to the glass of wine, the cake, the chocolate, the white bread. Just make sure it's a treat and not a punishment. If like me, you've been punishing yourself with food then, come along with me this year and lets see what we can discover when we get outside our habit and start exploring. 



I will say one thing to anyone thinking of joining in, and I will explore this in the next post, this is not about losing weight, changing bodies, or punishing regimes, this is about being loving to yourself. That has to start by accepting exactly where you are right now, wobbly bits and all (to be continued)...