Self-love

Relax...

Focus on the breath, breath in through the nose and out through the mouth...

Let your thoughts just go, acknowledge them and then let them go on their way.

Breathe.

As an asthmatic I find the art of meditation extremely traumatic. I don't want to focus on the breath because focusing on the breath reminds me that I can't bloody breathe properly and now I'm having a panic attack. So thanks. Thanks for that. So look, don't be scared come back, I am not talking the kind of hippy self-love here but the really simple kind, the kind we eat.

I have not had a drink in two months, I decided to quit when I first went back on Citalopram whilst the side effects settled, which for me include dizziness, but then I found that I just didn't want to drink, so I haven't. And this has been the beginning of a realisation about my diet and my body image. 

This morning I read this brilliant piece by Amy Jones about how she is caught between body image and a healthy lifestyle and it resonated with me, as I am sure it will resonate with a lot of people. I too have hated my body but not for the reasons I thought I did.

When I went through my big breakdown five years ago I stopped eating properly mainly due to a fear of the supermarket but that then turned into something more destructive. The lower I felt the more crap I ingested, be it food or alcohol. The more I hated what I saw in the mirror the more I ate the food responsible for the figure staring back at me. 

Now I have to stress here that the weight I gained has bought me up to a size that most women would be happy with, a size that I wouldn't blink at on anyone else. In fact, I would think they were mad for thinking they needed to lose weight. Which meant on top of not liking what I see in the mirror I felt guilty for not liking it. I have never, ever looked at anyone in a swimming costume and thought they looked bad, but I have looked at myself and criticised every single part of my body. Why do we hold ourselves to standards we wouldn't dream of holding anyone else to? 

As I found myself replacing alcohol with sparkling water and forcing myself to make three meals a day my body began to change and with it so did my attitude. In the past when I have quit alcohol it has been because I felt I should, or because I wanted to lose weight quick, it was never because I truly just didn't want to drink. So what has changed? What has made me not want to drink? It was a recognition that just happened one day that I was drinking destructively. Not in the, “quick call the AA way”, I am not an alcoholic, but in the "I feel shit, I'll have a drink" way, in the "I know I don't need this next drink but I don't care enough about myself to want to stop" way, in the "I feel fat so I am going to eat an entire big bar of dairy milk" way. I was eating and drinking with self-hate.

Every time I have tried to force abstinence on myself for 'external' reasons I have replaced alcohol with sugar or sugar with alcohol. But this time I just started thinking about why I was eating or drinking things. The new rule is that if I feel miserable I can't eat chocolate or sweets, except during my period, I'm not a monster. What I have discovered is that I don't crave sugar half as much when I am happy as I do when I am sad but when I do crave it when I am happy, I enjoy it more, I appreciate it and I can have one bar of chocolate and move on. Whereas when I am sad, one becomes two, becomes four, becomes who cares? 

I have lost a bit of weight over the past two months but for the first time ever it isn't the motivating factor and it isn't the end goal. The end goal is to look in the mirror and see a person who cares about herself staring back, in whatever shape that naturally makes her. I can eat anything and when I want to drink again I will drink again, but I will only do it for pleasure, not to block out pain. I am beginning to like myself more simply because I am treating myself as someone who likes herself more. I have cellulite, my thighs still rub, there's still more weight on me than there was before my breakdown but I am learning to love whatever shape I am supposed to be naturally by being it through a healthy diet and not an unhealthy one. And by healthy diet I don't mean in the traditional sense of eat only 'good' things (whatever that means) but in the sense that I am learning to be healthy in my approach to why I eat.

So eat everything you like but acknowledge what actually makes you feel good. If I binge on sugar my mood crashes with it, if I know that, why do I do it, because I don’t care about myself. So when I do care and think about why I eat something I am still allowed sugar but not in the "fuck you World I'm going to eat all the candy and be miserable" way but in the "fucking hell chocolate, you are awesome, that was pleasant, it was good to taste you again, looking forward to our next date" way. 

Look, the point of this post is not to say, aren’t I fantastic having not drank in two months and being all holier-than-love-myself-thou but just to acknowledge that maybe the reason we don’t like what we see in the mirror, and this is definitely true of me, is because we know we are looking at someone who isn’t looking after themselves. Not because they should look a certain way for it to mean they are but that maybe we can embrace whatever shape and size we naturally come in, and we all do come in different shapes and sizes, when we know that shape is got through self-love and not self-hate. If you are eating all the ice cream in the World with all the joy in the World then carry on. But if you are eating all the ice cream even though you’ve stopped enjoying it but because you don’t care how crap you feel afterwards, then maybe it’s time to stop and think about it.

We are all beautiful, all of us and if we could see ourselves the way those around us do then we might not be so critical of that reflection. Body image is about a lot more than just diet but diet can be a quick indicator of how we’re feeling. Your body shape doesn’t have to change for you to start to love it, only treating yourself as you would treat anyone else has to change. That might have nothing to do with food or alcohol, but could be in the way you criticise yourself for insert today’s issue here. It’s important to remember that you are you, in your body, that is only yours and made for you and if you can find the thing that unlocks in you how to be happy in it, then please let the rest of us know, in case it can help us too.

Double Chins and Film Making

The lady in the top two pictures is Liz Thomas, the lady in the bottom two pictures is me playing Liz Thomas 

I haven't yet mentioned here that I am an Actress. It feels appropriate to bring that up at this point, as I look at body image. 

This year I was asked to play an incredible real life woman in a sizzle reel for a feature film. A sizzle reel is a trailer for a feature that hasn't yet been made, a marketing tool to help secure the necessary funding. I was asked to play the part at this stage namely because I look a lot like the woman the film is based on.

A common reaction of mine when confronted with a new acting role is to do everything within my power to not take the role. Even as I audition for parts, in my head I have one foot firmly out the door. It's fear and I believe it's normal. Self-doubt has to go hand in hand with a new challenge. So when I was presented with a picture of the woman it was another reason for me not to play the part. Why? Because the picture horrified me. 

You think I look like that?

In fact, I now think she is beautiful, but what I first saw was my own worst nightmare, my biggest "flaw" staring back at me, a round face.

My round face has been my nemesis my entire life. It is my father's and nan's face shape. Both faces, incidentally, that I love. On top of that I have what is known in the family as "the Gannon jaw." I personally think both traits, the round face and the Gannon jaw work fine separately, I've never looked at my Mum or my aunties and paid much note to their jaws, fine jaws so they are. But the round face and the sort of slackness, looseness that comes with the Gannon jaw, together...well.

Now luckily for the character, she doesn't have the Gannon jaw, except on profile in one picture...she has it and incidentally that was the picture where I saw myself the most. But she does have a round face and that was all I could see. I looked at the image and I saw a round face. I saw my own biggest insecurity being presented to me as "don't you look like this woman?" And it made me want to run and hide.

Now in fact, as we've filmed, I've not only seen the similarity between us, I've also realised that Liz has the kind of round face, I didn't realise at the time, but that I used to enjoy. She has a round face but it's not a fat face. I hated my round face but when I look at pictures from a few years ago I realise that it's a fine shape face. The issue is, when you have a round face and you put weight on there is no escaping it. There it is, all over your face.
And when you have a Gannon jaw and you put weight on, well, there's a double chin. Now I think I could cope with one or the other, a fat face but a firm jaw, or a double chin but cheekbones. But both...BOTH?

The thing is, as I have fallen in love with the character I've enjoyed our similarities more and more. In fact, I am proud to say I do look like her. However, when your face is the only thing in frame and you have an insecurity, you will zoom in on it. So as the Director has been excited to play back scenes to me, proud of what we are making, all I can see is a double chin and fat cheeks. And that focus, that criticism of my face takes away all the pleasure I had moments before in creating this character, in following in her footsteps, in learning about her life. And quite frankly, that's not fair. 




Like the crew around me, I want the enjoyment of making the piece to be at the forefront of my mind when I watch it, not my own self-hate. 



Shortly after the last shoot day we had, I went to Devon for a week by myself. When I got into bed in the mobile home I had rented, I realised the wall opposite was all mirrored doors. Handy for me to take my make up off whilst in bed, but less pleasant when sat in bed reading. I kept catching glimpses of my face. 




But then something magical happened. After a couple of days in my own company, doing all the things I love and have missed and for some reason forgotten about this year, I could catch my face in the mirror and it wasn't horrifying. In fact, after a few days I was actively seeking out my own face and even, changing in front of the mirror. Actual upper thighs and belly and stuff. And no, I wasn't suddenly enraptured and overjoyed but I wasn't repulsed. There was me, a little heavier than I used to be, possibly a bit more tired than before but not horrifying. 




My reaction to my reflection was directly related to how I had been feeling personally. For many reasons, this year I haven't done anything just for me. I haven't walked by the river in London, my favourite place, I haven't been to the theatre alone, I haven't been to an art gallery, I haven't sat in a cafe for hours and read, I haven't gone for long walks and I haven't enjoyed myself half as much. I've felt as though my schedule was so busy and on everyone else's terms. I've felt out of control. 




With that feeling, my mood has dropped. With my mood, my self image has dropped. Which, is why I decided I had to do this blog. To take the time to think about the plans I am making, the food I am eating, the drinks I am drinking and to listen to myself. To treat as worthy, my own personal needs. 




I could not have started this blog until that moment. The moment I looked in the mirror, saw all the flaws, accepted them and decided that yes, I want to go for another walk with just myself, because just myself is actually enough. Just myself, right where I am, right now, double chin and all. 




On Sunday, I will shoot the last scenes as the woman with the round face and I hope when we're finished, I can watch the material and instead of zoning in on my chin and cheeks, I'll do the normal actress thing of cringing that THAT is what I'm doing when I'm performing? Which is as it should be. I'm not going to hope to enjoy watching myself, that's impossible, watching yourself pretend to be someone else is far harder than acting it. Heck, it's why Theatre is so brilliant, as the actor, you never have to watch. 




So, if you're here with me, and especially if you have that voice in your head who likes to criticise everything about you, do me a favour, spend time doing what you love and do it with just you, and then see if you can face the mirror a little easier afterwards. It's not about changing who you are. It's about learning to love who you are. Being your own friend is the best way to see you the way everyone else does, and no one else (as every one keeps telling me) notices your double chin as if it were a separate being, they just see you and all that you encompass. Double chin or no double chin, your chin is not all that you are. Take the time to remember all the things you are, and take the time to enjoy who you are.